Writing #3

I think there’s a special kind of stupid that continues to buy duty free cigarettes for something with whom you have no relationship anymore. That is, however, what I continue to do, and the worst part is that I go out of my way to offer to bring them back for someone who essentially tossed a part of my heart out the window one day. Apparently with good reason, but there’s no way of confirming this report because he won’t fucking tell me.

Every time I go abroad I go to that Duty Free store located in the middle of terminal two at Haneda Airport and I buy those fucking 7 milligram Seven Stars. And then I carry them around whatever country I’m visiting and when I bring them back we have the same fucking conversation where he asks, “It’s 3000 yen right?” and I’m like, “It’s always the same goddamn price you ridiculous, short asshole” and out loud I say, “Yes.” The only thing that changes is that sometimes I smoke some of them out of misguided petulance, which is a bit like shooting yourself in the foot and then spitting on someone—who’s really losing out here?

Maybe someday (because let’s be real, this is going to continue) I’ll say what I really want to say, which is a list of alternative payments I accept besides cash:

-a return to our normal relationship where I catch you looking at me out of the corner of your eye and then we both laugh

-seeing you wave to me in that alley behind the convenience store we both go to every morning

-the reason

I would give just about anything to know the reason he stopped talking to me. Even if I couldn’t change anything, I at least want to know why because not knowing and seeing him everyday and being reminded of everything between us is quickly morphing into a physical pain that I feel in my chest, in my stomach, and it bears down on me heavily so that I can’t help but curl into myself more and more each day.

I hate what you’ve done to me, and I hate that I don’t hate you at all for it, and I hate that when I think of the times when we had something between us I can’t help smiling because you have always been able to make me laugh and feel like what I’m doing is worth bothering with.

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